The episode of the Bachelor that follows hometowns can be pretty hit or miss, depending on the group of women remaining—you know, because of the whole fantasy suite thing. But this season has everything screwed up, and I’m upset about it.
I can’t even do my normal rundown of the episode, with its categories and order! Ugh, ABC, why did you do this to us, your loyal Bachelor viewers? It’s just torturous. Here’s what happened in episode 9—nothing. I mean, TECHNICALLY, some stuff happened, but nothing of note.
Act 1: The Nick and Andi Show
At the end of last week’s episode, Andi shows up at Nick’s hotel room. They try to make this dramatic, but it’s just not. Remember—Andi wrote that book that included how weird Nick was in bed? Yeah, I bet Nick remembers—especially since he CONTINUALLY brought up Andi’s book in Paradise last summer. So, we know that it’s not one of those “I want you back” things. It’s just Andi wanting to be on TV again. I mean, she looks great. But she can go home now.
They chat about Nick’s time on the show. Andi asks him if he’s expecting to get engaged, and he says only if he finds the right person.
Are you doubting yourself that much, Nick? Because HELLO. That’s the reason you’re here right now?!?! Remember?!
She then asks if he’s going to have sex with the three remaining women in the ~*FaNtAsY sUiTe*~ and he tries really hard not to say “DUH.”
All around, it’s a pretty stupid scene. Sorry Andi, I love you, but no. Go home.
Act 2: Corinne Finds Herself
So we finally get that post-hometowns rose ceremony. Can I say that it was worth the wait? No. Not even a little bit. They built it up so much, it was ridiculous. They made those girls wait there for Nick for so long! In the end, the roses were given out in this order: Raven, Rachel, Vanessa. Which means our sweet, innocent (LOL) Corinne is headed back to Miami. All of that is fine. It was what happened in the moments after she didn’t get a rose that stuck with me.
What was the first thing that Corinne did when Nick was walking her to the limo? She apologized. Yes, you read that right—she apologized to him after he dumped her. Now, if you’ve been reading these recaps throughout the entire season, you’ll know that I make fun of Corinne. A lot. But that doesn’t mean that I forget that she’s a human person with feelings who has grown up in probably a slightly out-of-touch household. So she apologized to him when he dumped her.
And then she became empowered.
Watching Corinne say that she wasn’t going to go out of her way for any more men who didn’t treat her like she deserved was a treat. And that isn’t sarcasm—I was actually pretty impressed with her growth. It was a joy and a heartwrencher to watch her. I hope she’s going to bring that newly empowered attitude to paradise to throw it all away again.
Act 3: Raven Thinks Turtlenecks are Sexy
The three remaining women go to Finland with Nick for ~*FaNtAsY sUiTe*~ week. Raven has the first date, and they go to a bar? And play darts? Yawn. Then they have dinner somewhere fancy and Nick is wearing a god-awful turtleneck that he keeps itching at. So it’s neither cute nor comfortable—why are you wearing it?!
Anyway, Raven confesses that she’s never had an ~*oRgAsM*~ before, and Nick is like “What the what?!” and her ex-boyfriend is like “you mean you were faking it that whole time?!” So the ~*FaNtAsY sUiTe*~ is important to her. She builds it up in her head all day, and therefore, we are building it up, too. She accepts the key. They go to the ~*FaNtAsY sUiTe*~ and start kissing. AND THEN THE EPISODE ENDS. What the heck, ABC???
So we have to wait until next week to see if Raven visits cloud nine, along with the other two dates. Not to mention Rachel is still around, even though we know she’s not going to win! So at this point, we know it’s either Raven or Vanessa, and it’s hardly even suspenseful anymore.
Bonus (I think?) for next week? We also get the Women Tell All episode, usually a gem. Except… that means three hours of the Bachelor. I better buy some wine.
The Bachelor airs on Mondays at 8/7c on ABC. Next week is a 3 hour episode. Can you tell how excited I am? Meep.