Week 7 on the Bachelor is usually a pretty straightforward week—three one-on-ones, a group date, a rose ceremony, and then we move on to hometowns. Is that what happened this week? Ha. HA.
It all started with the end of last week. Isn’t that always the case this season? If you recall, Nick barged in and told the six remaining women that he wasn’t sure this was working. He was crying. They were crying. There were tears all around. So that’s where we picked up at the beginning of this week’s episode.
Everyone was still crying and freaking out, but then Nick had a lovely chat with Chris Harrison. Now, Charrison was sporting some interesting pants, which made it difficult for me to take him seriously, but Nick didn’t seem to have any trouble. We saw them come to a conclusion that they didn’t share with the audience, and then Nick went back to talk to the women again. He informed them that he was just freaking out, but he’s serious about this, blah blah blah. You know the lines he spouted were straight from the producers anyway. And then he went into the first date of the week. There wasn’t nearly as much preamble this week, and I appreciated that.
Date #1: One on One with Vanessa
Most of this date sounded like a pretty legitimate date early on in a relationship. They had a good time together, they talked about some sort-of serious topics and Vanessa voiced her doubts about the potential relationship, including her questions about her place in the process and what not. My only quibble is—umm, you’ve never been on a boat before?! Ever?! I’m so confused…
So anyway, everything was fine until the dinner portion, when Vanessa said the magic L-Word. No, not lesbian, although that would have made things interesting, huh? Nah, she said she loved him, and as predicted, Nick did not (could not?) say it back. This was upsetting. It was easy to watch her face change, her demeanor completely stiffen as she withdrew. I hope she understands that he has to refrain from admitting his potential love (because I still have her as a frontrunner).
There aren’t any roses on the one-on-ones this week, so Vanessa went back to the house empty-handed.
Date #2: Have you ever sunburned your inner thigh, though?
Raven, Corinne, and Kristina were on this group date, and it was the weirdest thing. Corinne was the center of attention on camera, which is to be expected. She was freaking out about how the date was turning into the Nick and Kristina show, and she complained about it the whole time. They swim with sharks and Raven says she’d punch the shark in the face if it came after her. I don’t know. I was pretty bored during this date, tbh. The evening portion isn’t much better. Kristina lets Nick cry on her shoulder for some reason. Raven says that she calls her dad “Daddy” and that Daddy had (has? that was never clear) lung cancer. And Corinne talked about herself in the third person, and continued to complain about Kristina. But guess who got the rose? Raven! Hahaha. Corinne is ridiculous.
So, Raven is the only one for-sure going to a hometown, as of right now.
Date #3: One on One with Danielle M.
This was another boring date, but what bothered me the most was that Nick took Danielle to a local hangout in Bimini, where no tourists ever go. Well… y’all are tourists. You interrupted their hang out! You showed millions of viewers where to avoid other tourists, which is going to make that place full of tourists! Dummies. Anyway, they rode bikes and the conversations were super awkward and at night, Nick told Danielle that he liked her face? Yeah. And then, right after the clip of Danielle saying that the last person she brought home with her DIED, Nick broke up with her. So yeah, she went home.
The best part of the whole episode came after Danielle’s date, though. It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for—Corinne spruces up her platinum vajeen and pays Nick a bedroom visit. And he’s definitely tempted, you can tell.
But he must have learned from his rendezvous with Kaitlyn, because he sends her away. And she’s just devastated. Which is dumb—and it also makes me believe that it’s the producers who are keeping Corinne on the show at this point, because they know everyone is going to want to meet Raquel the nanny. THAT’S going to be good TV!
Date #4: One on One with Rachel
This date was cute and normal and I still love Rachel, but now that I know she’s the next Bachelorette THIS IS TOTALLY A MOOT POINT BECAUSE SHE’S NOT GOING TO GET THE FINAL ROSE. Ugh, why did they announce it so early??
She’s still the best. (And to all you idiots writing headlines, it’s not because she’s the first black bachelorette. It’s because she’s just awesome.)
And then, in an unprecedented move, Nick comes back to the house, pulls Kristina aside, and then sends her home. Because… I don’t even know. He is very against rose ceremonies now, I guess.
Corinne has some high-ass Louboutins that she cannot walk in. Since this episode was mostly devoid of humor, that was the funniest part to me—watching her try to walk in those shoes. Spoiler alert: she couldn’t walk in them. I’m sure that didn’t help her case when she was attempting to get into Nick’s bed. (Which no one else found out about?????)
Good lord, I don’t even know. Raven saying she would punch a shark? Corinne freaking out about Kristina when she was eventually sent home this week? Lots of stupidity, and yet, none of it really stands out.
Rachel may have surpassed Vanessa in this episode, because Vanessa was a little whiny. I still love them both, though. And Raven. Actually, I might have a hard time choosing at the end!
Enemy of the State
Welp. Corinne, I guess? The other ladies don’t even know that she went to Nick’s room… if a Corinne goes to Nick’s room but nobody hears about it, did it happen?
This week, we said goodbye to Danielle M. and Kristina. I loved both of them on the show, but I could see that they weren’t the right people for Nick. It happens. These goodbyes are starting to get harder on us viewers, ABC. Handle with care!
Hometown dates are next week, which means… RAQUEL!! Aw yeah.
The Bachelor airs on Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.